Back in 2005, I was
living the dream. Oh my gosh, I was
living in New York City, and a musical that I’d written
with my friend, The Ark, was going to be off Broadway. And I thought, “This
is my destiny.” I could just see my future
unfolding before me. What I didn’t realize
is that whatever is written in the stars is
not as powerful as what’s written in the New York
Times, and we got crucified. And it didn’t last very long. It broke my heart. I was crushed, and I think I
know something about heartache. And then a year goes
by, and I find out what heartache’s really about. My son comes out and says,
“Dad, I can’t do it anymore. I’m gay. And I’ve tried to do
everything you said. I went on my mission. I was an Eagle Scout. And I don’t know how
to get through it. And the stuff that you have
tried to tell me about this has not been helpful.” Well, it broke my heart in
a real heartbreaking way. And so I thought, “Well, I
need some answers from heaven.” So I started praying like
I’d never prayed before. How do I help my son
get through this? How do I hold my
family together? I just begged God to talk to me. And it was the first
time in my life that I felt like
heaven was shut. It shut down. I couldn’t get past the ceiling. And I thought, “Well, this
is a little challenge.” Well, you think that for a
week or two or a month or two. But two years, and you
start asking yourself, “Wait a minute. What if I got it wrong? Not just Church stuff
or policy stuff. What if the issue–is there
really a God who hears my prayers? Does He know me? And is there something
that I may have done that offended Him so He
won’t talk to me?” I mean, this is the stuff
that really matters. Will I keep the promises
when my heart feels nothing? We make all of
our great promises in life when we’re
feeling great. When we fall in love,
“Oh, I feel so great. I love you, I love you.” When we feel the
Spirit, “Oh, baptize me. I’m going to live righteously.” What do we do when
we feel nothing, and we fear that maybe
nothing’s coming? Well, that’s where I was. So I got on my knees. And I’d prayed before, a lot. And I’d had prayers I
believed were answered, but it’d been so long. And I said, “I don’t know
if you’re hearing this. I’m going to quit whining
and moaning about this. I’m going to trust you. I’m going to trust that
there’s a reason that I can’t feel your presence. There’s a reason that
I feel so abandoned. I’m going to trust that
you’re smarter than I am, that you get this
better than I do, and at some point–and I don’t
feel like it will ever happen, but at some point you’ll
communicate with me and I’ll feel your love,
and I won’t feel so lost.” I hadn’t given up
hope, but I’d given up trying to make
myself feel something or to say what’s wrong with me. After nine years of
this faith crisis, I had this extraordinary
experience. I went into my study. I’m a songwriter, and for
10 days it was like I got downloads of songs–just kind of
almost out of the blue–because I had been wondering,
what’s Jesus really like? Did I just borrow
my idea of Jesus, or did I really have
an understanding of what He was like? I realized that when I
reviewed the 10 or 12 songs that had come
during those 10 days, that my answer about who Jesus
was and how He felt about me and how I was going to
move forward came in songs. And that’s when this revelation
that kind of changed my life happened, that the Lord
loved me so personally and so individually and so
completely that He would send an answer that I would recognize
could have only come from Him, from His heart to mine. I don’t know how
else to describe it. I was overwhelmed with grace. And then I thought, “Why
did this take nine years?” As I tried to process
the story that I’ve been sharing with you, I
started to make some notes. Were there times
that Jesus was there and I didn’t see Him because
I had decided in advance, “Oh, I know how to get
answers to my prayers. And they come in this box. This is how God answers
prayers, like this. Every prayer He’s ever
answered for me came this way”? Well, what if He was
answering me outside the box? What if there were
ways He was trying to give me hope and
reassure me and talk to me, and it just went over my head
because I couldn’t see it? You know, you talk
about being humbled. And I listed 25 things that
had happened where the Lord was reaching out to me. It was a discovery of the
fact that for nine years, the Lord had not been punishing
me by not talking to me. He was trying to teach me that
even when I couldn’t see it, His grace was trying to save me.